There are two planes of maturity in marriage.
- The knowledge plane
- The life plane
The knowledge plane deals with the right principles and practices in marriage. This is helpful to an extent except that it can be transactional if the life plane is not engaged.
The life plane deals with intentions, emotions and motivations. This is what forms the attitudes at work in a marriage. Even if the right things are done, and the life plane is not engaged, the atmosphere will remain tense.
Attitude is the easiest way to know the true state of your relationship. Attitude in this case is mostly a sustained pattern, not a one-off. Life experiences predispose you to view situations, people, and actions in a fixed way, so your attitude is acquired over time.
When you relate transactionally in marriage, you have to constantly deal with gaps between each other. It is this lack of cohesiveness that a truly intimate relationship addresses. When you are intimate, you have a fundamental commitment to the life plane of human behaviour. You are both invested in a growth mindset. One sign of growth is losing the desire to be right and losing the desire to arrest the offense (that is, to be the one to narcissistically give the red card when your spouse is wrong).
It\’s not like this could not be done in a healthy way, but when that seems to be your job, it is a very unhealthy pattern that will turn your partner into a victim of your self-righteousness or unleash the beast of violence in them, sooner or later.
It is true that the knowledge plane will still be governed by common agreements and compromises. But what makes them work and open to continuous amendments is your elevation of the life plane in your overall relationship strategy. Life is always more important than the laws you use to govern your relationship.
In fact, life is what allows the law to work and where the law is limited, Life is full of grace and truth. That speaks of a willingness to allow scenarios to play out so that both of you can learn together rather than being judgmental. The power of oneness in marriage is in your common investment in each other, while acknowledging your weaknesses and celebrating your strengths.
